Being Transparent

After thirty-six years of life on this earth, I have learned a little bit about myself.  One of the things I am very good at is putting up a wall or wearing a beautiful mask.  I have never liked for people to know what is going on in my life and I like to take on the cares of everyone around me.  I have learned that having this type of attitude is not always best because there comes a time when I just can't take it anymore and I need someone to lean on.  I just have never learned that skill of being vulnerable.  Vulnerability has always been seen as a weakness.  For the women out there who are reading this...you know what I mean.  And for the men out there..I see you out there trying to be strong for everyone.  But this has to change.  As a child of God, being self-sufficient and self-reliant really have no place in your life.  WHAT?!?!  I know...you think I am crazy.  But I am not.

Think about it.  How can we be both self-sufficient and self-reliant when we are supposed to be depending on God for everything?  I know that is what we have been taught but I want to erase those thoughts from your mind.  Have you ever thought about becoming transparent?  Now I don't mean that everytime someone asks you how you are doing that you sit down and tell them everything that is going on in your life.  But I am saying that you don't always have to answer, "Fine."  What do you think of when you hear the word transparent?  I tend to think 'clear' or 'see through'.  A new definition came to my mind today and that was 'removing the mask'.  I had to stop and think about if my prayers were truly honest prayers or had I even learned to put up a mask with God. How silly of me?  He is the one person who knows my innermost thoughts and feelings.  It made me stop and think about how can He truly help me when I am not giving everything over to Him.  Instead I want to seem like this Mighty Christian who can withstand it all.  Truth be told, I'm not.  I'm stronger than I used to be but I am far from being too strong to need God.  He is the only one that can meet my needs.  He may use people like my husband and my family and my closest friends as instruments, but every good and perfect gift comes from God. 

I always like to use God as my example.  The story of him weeping over the death of a friend of family comes to mind.  (John 11:35, Jesus wept.)  He was the Son of God.  He couldn't possibly be vulnerable?  But He was.  He allowed those around Him to see His emotion.  What better way of showing us that He knows exactly what we feel!  How many relationships have you ruined because you didn't want to appear weak?  How much longer have situations lasted because you didn't want to 'have a real talk' with Jesus and tell him all about your problems?  I have just gotten tired of living with things that I know God can handle.  I am not doing it anymore.  I believe that even with our tests and trials, God desires for us to have a good luck.  We have to learn to give up control.  It's not about being who society wants us to be. It's about being who God designed us to be.  It's time to take off the mask.

Dear Lord,

I have a confession to make.  I haven't been completely honest when I talk to you.  I have hidden some of my innermost thoughts and feelings.  Yes, I have prayed when I was hurting but I didn't really tell you that I felt like screaming.  That I have never felt such pain.  That I am so tired of going through this and feeling like no one understands.  I've done all this when all I had to do was come to You.  I am coming to You now Lord.  I am asking for peace.  I don't want to be strong anymore.  I would rather be weak so that You can be strong for me.  Thank you Lord for showing me where I needed to change.  Thank you for showing me where I have caused some of the difficulty in my very own life and relationships.  I am so grateful.  Today I begin anew.  In Jesus' Wonderful Name Amen.